ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
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The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
i dont have time for this
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”