Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription: