ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
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Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I think I’ll stand
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.