Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
You Might Also Like
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.