me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
2022: I can fix it
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.