ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
You Might Also Like
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Breaking news:
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The cashier just checked me out.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!