ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.