@Brampersandon_: ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it's the alpacalypse
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@NurseMurderer: I told my date I was depressed. I added, "not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don't like you depressed."
@nevels_kendyle: Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking? Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that's not tied in a knot*
@ibid78: When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren't evidence in a murder that life's trying to frame you for.