@Brampersandon_: ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it's the alpacalypse
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@ruinedpicnic: Neil Armstrong: now where did I park my car? [presses key button] [tiny orange light flashes on the moon] god dammit
@gmossii: My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
@SortaBad: [speed dating] her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you? me: define "child"
@Carmensadie: I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that" You should of seen her face. Priceless