[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.