ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: "Holy shit that was amazing!" COMMENTATOR: "Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself."

@dumbbeezie: Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

1

@ricedaddy7: Million dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

1

@mattytalks: Funny that Lebron couldn't even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

49

@shesananteater: Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.

1

@Turbo_Jimmy: *hostage situation* Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out... NO DON'T COME IN HERE

217

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