I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.