me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
never forget
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
one of
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Shortcut
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK