That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
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Best seat on the street 😍
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?