Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
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Me recordaron éste meme
A friend sent me this.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
is this meant to deter me
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”