ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.