ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!