Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”