Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
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(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
When you kidnap a writer.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”