Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.