me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Sign at work today
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!