ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
me refusing to leave twitter
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.