ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.