ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
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Print is alive and well!!!
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.