ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My first son he is wonderful
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me in tagged photos
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what