me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
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If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs