me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
You Might Also Like
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?