Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me: