ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.