It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
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Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Oh deer
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”