Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Whoa 😂
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver