me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
You Might Also Like
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.