ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
do horses think humans are hats
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Last-minute gift idea!
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Brands during Pride
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
don’t we all
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
tourist season
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?