A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Cndnsd Mlk
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Breaking news:
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.