My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.