Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂