Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
“i miss shittin on people”
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”