ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.