If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)