My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie