Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
dutch so unserious
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN