Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
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“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble