ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?