guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
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WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
it be like that
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!