ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist