ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
You Might Also Like
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.