ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
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First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.