me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.