me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
You Might Also Like
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.