me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
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DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.