ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.