Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Not today.. 😂
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream